Lyric time…again #LeaveOutAllTheRest by Linkin Park

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It kind of messes a person up when someone says I want this song at my funeral.. yeah.. my brother did that… This song at his funeral. Fantastic. Also, this reminds me of my friend that passed away…

Anyway. Here is my  thought process when I feel the lyrics.

 

I dreamed I was missing
You were so scared
But no one would listen
Cause no one else cared

does anyone care about me?
After my dreaming
I woke with this fear
What am I leaving
When I’m done here?

I am terrified of death. Heck, even thinking about losing my mom or brothers, I automatically break down into tears. It is awful. just awful. And I am afraid of dying. Like how will my kids be? Will their daddy be able to take care of them?  It is a very depressing thought process
So, if you’re asking me, I want you to know

When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I’ve done

I haven’t done so much wrong, but I’ve hurt people
Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed

Will I be missed?
And don’t resent me

This part is where my friend’s passing comes into my mind. He was battling addiction. So I take this part as like him saying hey, don’t resent me for my battles. for what I’ve been thru.
And when you’re feeling empty
Keep me in your memory

I don’t want to forget my friend and when my time comes, I hope my memory will be alive with my kids.
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Don’t be afraid
I’ve taken my beating
I’ve shared what I’ve made
I’m strong on the surface
Not all the way through

I may show a strong persona but deeper inside I am not strong at all. I am weak.
I’ve never been perfect

Nobody’s perfect.
But neither have you
So, if you’re asking me, I want you to know

When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I’ve done
Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed
And don’t resent me
And when you’re feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Forgetting
All the hurt inside you’ve learned to hide so well

hiding it is so much easier than letting others see
Pretending
Someone else can come and save me from myself

Nobody can save me
I can’t be who you are

When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I’ve done
Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed
And don’t resent me
And when you’re feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Forgetting
All the hurt inside you’ve learned to hide so well
Pretending
Someone else can come and save me from myself
I can’t be who you are
I can’t be who you are

I can’t be who you are. I can only be myself. Maybe I over think. Maybe I let my anxiety run my life every now and then. Maybe I need to let things go sometimes. But I can’t be who you are.

 

 

So what do you feel when you hear this song? What lyric stands out the most to you?

Lyric time… #Heavy

So here is another song. Of course by Linkin Park. Well this song has 2 meanings for me… The first one is that when I found this music video back at the end of May beginning of April, it came at just the right time as a childhood friend of mine had died. He was actually my brothers friend and my first crush… He was battling addiction and had been for at least 6 years. So the video hit home and I bawled like a little baby. It was awful. The second reason I relate to this song is because of my anxiety disorder. Having anxiety is like having two people in your head. One that wants to do things and one that thinks everything is scary and unsafe.

So for my little commentary for this song.. I will talk about my battle with anxiety. Although the video does make me think about my friends battle and how it hurt when I found out he was no longer with us…I cannot comment about his addiction because it wasn’t my story to tell. (I miss you my friend…)

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I don’t like my mind right now
Stacking up problems that are so unnecessary

This is a constant struggle. Every day. There is some kind of problem. Some kind of new stress weighing me down.
Wish that I could slow things down

I wish I could slow my mind down so that maybe I could see that things aren’t so bad
I wanna let go but there’s comfort in the panic
And I drive myself crazy
Thinking everything’s about me

Unfortunately, I think that people are talking about me. It is part of my anxiety. The part that says I’m not good enough.
Yeah, I drive myself crazy
‘Cause I can’t escape the gravity

I’m holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on
So much more than I can carry

Holding on to everything that’s ever been said. That’s ever happened.
I keep dragging around what’s bringing me down
If I just let go, I’d be set free

It would be nice to be free but how can I let go? I can’t let go.
Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?

You say that I’m paranoid

Well I am kind of paranoid.. a lot.
But I’m pretty sure the world is out to get me

Well…everything is dangerous. my head says so
It’s not like I make the choice
To let my mind stay so fucking messy

I don’t choose to always think this way. Hell, I wish I could be like others who have time where they don’t think and where they don’t remember their dreams or don’t dream at all. You ask my husband at any given time what he’s thinking about…he’ll say nothing… I can’t do it. I am always thinking.
I know I’m not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning ’round me just the same
I know I’m not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning ’round me just the same

I’m holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on
So much more than I can carry
I keep dragging around what’s bringing me down
If I just let go, I’d be set free
Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?

I know I’m not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning ’round me just the same
I know I’m not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning ’round me just the same
And I drive myself crazy
Thinking everything’s about me

Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on
So much more than I can carry
I keep dragging around what’s bringing me down
If I just let go, I’d be set free
Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Why is everything so heavy?
Why is everything so heavy?

 

There are two types of people. The ones who listen to the music… and that’s all they hear… and the ones who feel the lyrics. I am the type of person who feels the lyrics. A song can change my mood in a heartbeat.

BBQ ranch chicken pasta

I am a huge fan of ranch, but my husband isn’t. Thats why whenever I wanna make something with ranch in it…I dont write it on the board correctly. Like this was just BBQ chicken pasta….I’m evil…I know. This actually made enough for 2 night of dinner because I accidentally picked up 2lbs of elbow noodles. Honest mistake but yay me. I get a night off.

What you will need:

1lb chicken cut into pieces and cooked

1lb elbow pasta…i used 2 lbs oh well

1 can sweet corn

1 can diced tomatoes

1 cup BBQ sauce

1/2 cup rance

Cheese

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.

Cook your chicken. I’m pretty flexible with recipes. If it calls for cooked chicken…then cook it however you want. Here I just threw it on the stove and let it cook that way. Sometimes I’ll bake it.

While you’re cooking the chicken…cook the pasta according to package.

While both these items are cooking (and by the way…season your chicken however you want) you will need to mix the BBQ and ranch together.

Next add the corn and tomatoes.

Finally add the chicken and pasta.

Place in a baking dish, cover with cheese.

bake for 20 to 30 minutes until cheese has that nice bubbly look.

#anxiety it is my demon

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So… Anyone else deal with anxiety?

Anxiety that is so bad, you find yourself canceling plans because you’re busy! Busy doing what? While most call us lazy. Call us paranoid. Call us cry babys. I call us strong.

We are strong. Having anxiety, depression or any other mental illness is not for the lighthearted. Being able to have these demons and act like everything is okay on the outside…that mu friends takes a hell of a lot of strength.

So sometimes my ‘busy’ is having to calm myself down. My ‘busy’ might be fighting a war in my head. Should I be sorry for being ‘busy’? No! I won’t. I will never be sorry for fighting my battle.

It’s bad enough that I already apologize for things I probably shouldn’t. I’m not going to apologize my anxiety. Society already makes us believe like we have to hide all of our imperfections. Which is crap. Yeah thats right. You heard me. Society is crap. I have severe anxiety disorder and I don’t apologize for having it, and neither should you.

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It’s stressful trying to explain to someone why my head makes things more difficult than it should be. Add in society telling us its not normal to have these type of thoughts and you end up with me hiding all of my imperfections for the past ten years. Me pretending everything is okay. Me running to the bathroom just to have a second to try to control my breathing, my heart rate. And why? Why should we have to hide?

I know being alone helps us calm down. I do it all the time. I like my space. I am not a big touchy person. However, we shouldn’t have to hide the fact that we have an illness. This only hinders the help that is out there. Society telling us we’re not normal makes us (or at least me) feel like we can’t get help without being ridiculed. So much stress

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It has literally taken me years to perfect my face so that my anxiety doesn’t shine thru. Hell. Half the time it doesn’t even work. I wear my emotions on my tear covered sleeves and that just makes me a little more anxious.

Thank for listening to my rant! Share any of your stories below in the comment area or just say hey. You never have to feel ashamed here.

#RAW, October 30th, 2017

Well last week smackdown invaded raw….so lets see what they are going to do about it tonight.

Of course we start the show by seeing a clip of what happened last week. Because in only 7 days since it actually happened, us fans completely forgot about everything. Right?

Although, I do give it to Smackdown for attacking Raw last week. It was pretty awesome. But the video clip taking up 4+ minutes of the start of the show….not cool.

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Kurt Angle starts the show off….that is after the clip.  And he is interrupted by Stephanie McMahon….. She hasn’t been on Raw in forever. The last time the WWE universe saw her was when she was on Smackdown running down to the ring to check on her dad…. She plays such a bad character….but she does it well.

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I mean, has anyone watched any of the clips of her and HHH on youtube? She is just a normal person. She also does so much in regards to charity’s and all kinds of things.

She come out telling Kurt how she has much respect for him….but you can never trust Stephanie…. I mean, she is pretty vicious (her character)

Well….Kurt gets what he’s wanted for awhile.. being back in the ring as a competitor since Stephanie has made him the RAW team captain.  There have been rumors going around for awhile now that he was going to get back in the ring. It is kind of extraordinary since he has broken his neck twice and battled addiction. I applaud him for his battles, overcoming them that is. However, his ‘acting’ when he’s doing the backstage segments is kind of cringe worthy. Like I am watching my mother’s soap opera…. Actually, a lot of the superstars backstage acting is like this.  I mean it could totally be the writers creating scripts that don’t feel natural. That is a very big possibility. I mean look at a lot of the story lines they create where one week two people want to kill each other but the next they’re best friends.  I have been a fan of wrestling for a very long time… it isn’t something new. Although, with each year, the kayfabe has disappeared.

We went to commercial break just so that we could come back to more Stephanie and Kurt?? As Stephanie leaves, the Miztourage shows up… Well… at least Bo Dallas is back. He has been missing some of the shows due to being sick. It was also nice to see Kurt finally snap at Miz. Someone needs too… I know its a show… I know the Miz is just a character and I am pretty sure that Mike is a nice guy. But I just don’t care for his character….. like at all.

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Another.. Last Monday on Raw…. before we go to the match between Bayley and Alicia Fox. Bayley is a pretty awesome role model for kids. Alicia Fox on the other hand…. she is a bag full of crazy. Now if you have watched Total Divas at all (New season starting this Wednesday) you would know that Fox is not that crazy. She’s actually pretty awesome.  However, creative likes to make her act this way. And I’m not sure why.  However, she tells Bayley that she doesn’t have the time to participate in a match as well she has captain things to do. But she found a replacement…. Nia Jax..

I am all for Nia Jax. Do not get me wrong. I love how she is not a stick figure… I mean not a lot of normal population are a stick figure. I know I sure as hell am not.  I wish I was. However, I think that they have not provided her with the correct story or push. For instance, they keep announcing her weight every time she comes out. Why? They don’t announce anyone else’s weight. They make her out to be such a big person who isn’t to be messed with. They use her size a lot. I understand that she loves the skin that she is in…. and that is def a quality that I admire. I love women who don’t care about the number on the scale. They’re confident no matter what their dress size… However, I think she has a lot of potential and the WWE creative should use her better.

Speaking of Nia… Is this a new outfit? lots of lace.. I like it. Of course Nia wins, and Alicia chooses her as the 1st pick of Team Raw for the Survivor Series 5 vs 5 women’s division match.

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Well well well. what do we have here (yes that was an Enzo reference.) Samoa Joe has made his return. The 3rd return of the night. Joe makes the classic heel speech about how he doesn’t care about the fans and he didn’t miss any of us while he was out with an injury and that he’s going to hurt whoever comes out.

And who takes this challenge??? Apollo Crews… that poor guy. He has such amazing potential and a lot of the time he’s just a jobber to those who are ‘main’ superstars. That is the crappy thing. There are those who get all the opportunities, who are the main cards, who get the big bucks and then there are the ones who always lose to the big cards. And since it is Joe’s first match back… he is of course going to win. There is not much point to watching the match since we can already guess he’s going to win. I am not a big fan of Joe. I don’t know why. I just haven’t seen something that makes me go.. ‘Hey this guy is someone who I like’… I do, however, like Apollo Crews.

I do think that it was funny that during the match while Crews was trying to gain momentum and get the upper hand on Joe, Joe said “Boy sit your ass down” that was funny. Also, Michael Cole… you always say that Joe or someone is putting the locker room on notice… how?

So… Now its time for the Miz to come out… I think the only thing I like about him and his goons (It is nice to see Bo healthy again) is the Miz’s coat… where do I get one? The Miz’a mystery opponent for the title??? None other than Matt Hardy. #DeleteDeleteDelete.  I love me some Hardy Boy’s..However, the blonde part in Matt’s hair is not something I like.  Well I hope Matt doesn’t want any more kids cause he came down on the top rope kind of hard.

Although, I would love for Matt Hardy to win and have a belt… I don’t see The Miz losing his title just yet… Although, I wish he would. But I do know that when he does… we’re going to hear the crybaby come out…just like Kevin Owens… Wah.

How much is Corey Graves paid to only talk amazing things about certain heels? The Miz and Alexa are two of the main I hear him promoting. I mean come on now. It’s Matt Hardy. You could talk about him… maybe just a little, but noooo. Only about the miz… I use to like Graves. Used To.

I do have to give it to the Miz… he is putting up quite a fight for his title. Thankfully, the miztourage hasn’t gotten involved. As I said.. I knew the belt wasn’t going to change hands tonight. However, I do have to say that Matt Hardy did put up such a great match.

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Are we seriously going to see what we just saw an hour ago??? Does the WWE people think we are that dumb that we forget things in the mere hour.. I mean we haven’t even seen an hour worth of WWE since there are quite a bit of commercials. Speaking of commercials, why doesn’t Raw have the split screen commercials during matches like Smackdown?

Yay. Asuka! She is one of the decent performers on the roster.  That is if WWE creative books her right. She was dominant in NXT. That doesn’t mean anything since creative has a tendency of bringing up people from NXT just to turn them into jobbers.

Speaking of creative… did they seriously put Asuka against a Jobber? Really? Have they not heard of the hashtag AsukasGonnaHurtYou??? The jobbers never ever have a chance. Like ever. Asuka is so much better than being put against a jobber. Why not bring out one of the females from the back? Or bring up the Mae Young tournament females? This jobber isn’t even giving Asuka anything. Like we’re not seeing her full potential. The potential that made her such a big force in NXT.  Just as fast as it began….it has ended..

Now I do love seeing Daniel Bryan… I do. Uhm Total Bellas/Divas anyone? However, Kurt going ‘Alert everyone they’re here they’re here!’ That was a little too much. I could probably go on all night about how bad Angle over acts. Oh my goodness… Angle’s acting is cringe-worthy…. it is so bad…. just….no!

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So now we have Daniel Bryan…. locked in the dark room…. team Hell No! is reunited… not really… but hey. I can wish right.

Well Finn Balor is on tonight’s card!!! that is always exciting. Although I would prefer to listen to him talk…. Well here comes ‘The Bar’…. as long as Cesaro doesn’t talk. I know that is so rude and mean. However, the lisp makes his accent harder to understand and it allows him to be picked on. I do feel bad for what happened. It looked completely painful. That kick that Balor did to Cesaro while Cesaro was on the floor…. looked really bad… well it could have been if Cesaro wasn’t wearing his protective gear. If he wasn’t…. he might have lost his teeth again..

I do have to admit that Cesaro and Balor have such great potential. They both put on amazing matches. I just wish that they were booked better.  If anyone has seen WWE live… you will know it isn’t as fake as it seems. I mean the storylines are fake… the endings are scripted. However, some of the moves… there is no way to not make that hurt. Like Balor jumping down from the top rope with both boots to the chest.. it hurts. I know it has too.

However….that rant over… Balor Won.!!!! I’m not sure where this story is going to go. However, I hope they don’t just end it here. It would be nice for Balor to team up with another ‘demon’ to take on the bar. We need a few good tag teams.

So… I know that Balor lost to Kane last week…. why is Kane coming out now? Should Kane retire soon? I mean he’s been around forever. The announcers are making such a big deal about the pile driver Kane provided to balor. Hello, people. The camera didn’t turn away as fast as they were supposed to… (I guess that guy is going to get chewed out) And if you paid attention… you would see that Balors head was inches away from touching the ramp… and that Kane appeared to have been going easy. If I was watching YouTube on that sin video… that would be a sin. Just saying.

So we’re getting Kane vs Seth Rollins… I am not sure why this match is even happening. I thought the ‘beef’ was between Kane and Strowman.  Why is ‘TheBar’ sitting at ringside? Are they going to attack the shield when the match is over? Which does seem like a possible option, since they want the tag titles back. I never understood why they wore the vest during the matches… I understand what it is supposed to mean for the characters and I know that many fans have complained about Roman Reigns wearing it during his matches because it provides padding… which I honestly do not believe it does since it is literally just a few pieces of flimsy fabric.

I understand that Rollins wants to go to the aide of his team mate and that is why he jumped over the ropes to attack ‘The Bar’ after they attacked Ambrose. However, Sheamus and Cesaro were both looking directly at Rollins and were totally prepared for him to come. They could have easily moved… Well anyway.. Kane won… he went to attack rollins again and Ambrose attacked Kane… he did his little i’m going to lay here for a few and then when you turn away I’ll do the creepy sit up thing. After that…. Cesaro and Sheamus both joined in and helped Kane attack the two members of the shield (Roman is still sick… I wonder which exact virus it was that attacked the locker room.. I heard measles…mumps… meningitis…)

So they’re just now getting Daniel Bryan on a gurney??? I mean that was at least 20 minutes ago…. If I ever get hurt… remind me not to call who ever they’re using.

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Okay… are we really going to replay what Stephanie and Kurt said at the beginning of the show again?? It was only 2 hours ago… Are you kidding me… Hello!!! WWE we’re not idiots… WE know what happened… we were watching.

So because there is garbage in The Miz’s room automatically means Strowman is there? Well I would like to see Strowman attack the Miz… I really would… It would be interesting.

Trick or Street fight?

Uhm?

What???

I haven’t seen them use props like Halloween skeletons in a very long time and we have to see the ‘bald headed babies’?? (Gallows and Anderson)… hmmm. They’re really going to waste pie tho. I mean why. wasteful. geez.

Another backstage segment where the Miz tells Kane about the garbage bag incident wanting to know if Strowman is back and if Kane will be there … I don’t know.. to protect him. Because The Miz is scared of Strowman…. So because of this segment… we have to see what happened at the PPV….

So this halloween match… is two tag teams dressed up in halloween costues. This match looks extremely bad. Like jobber bad. And Rhyno is in stockings… uhm… you have more confidence that I do.. Also…why does Michael keep calling it the old Pumpkin trick.. its not a trick… its not old… Its a pretty awful match to watch. The crowd isn’t into it.. I am not into it. It’s pretty bad. Even the announcers are not into it. This is just… so bad. so very bad….

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Michael Cole promises that the rest of the night will get better as the night finishes out…as the camera pans to  Elias backstage… That’s not what I call the night getting better… I do not walk with Elias and I do not like his music segments…. at all.  After commercials we come back to the Miz… really? Now he’s trying to get Cesaro and Sheamus on his side. Yeah..No…can Strowman just show up already and attack the Miz… I would love to see it.

Elias and Jason Jordan little segment isn’t even worth noting.  I mean Elias comes out, sings… (ugh) and then Jordan interrupts and a guitar gets broken.. I feel bad for the guitars, I mean geez… Have some respect.

Well it only took 2 and a half hours to see Enzo… That is too long. “Bada Boom Realest Champ in the room!!!!”  Hold up…wait a minute… Did Enzo try to replace Cass with Gulak???? oh hell naw… Captain underpants needs to sit down. No no no it is SAFT… not Soft.. you did it all wrong.. just no. please… no.. I mean I am sitting here hoping that Enzo kicks that guy in the face… At least Kalisto came out to interrupt…. OOOh so it’s not Enzo vs Kalisto.. Its Captain Underpants vs Kalisto. So why is Enzo out there? He has been calling Gulak captain underpants since Enzo arrived on  the 205 Live roster… Enzo’s finisher also another move that you couldn’t make not hurt. I do have to comment that he wears skinny jeans better than I do…just saying.

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So next…after the hundredth commercial is the women’s title match.. as the final of the show… Now there are some on the twitter-verse that believe since the title match is the main event that the title will be changing hands…. I honestly hope so. I would like to see just about anyone other than Alexa as champion. However, could we please get rid of the bell bottoms on Mickie James??? They haven’t been in style for a very long time. Of course there would be a commercial right in the middle of the main event even tho we just had a commercial maybe 2 minutes ago…. What is with all of the commercials. Jeez.. Apparently the match is soo boring that they’re chanting CM Punk… uhm.. what… I mean Alexa trying to control the entire match is kind of boring. So a single right hand is what it takes for Alexa to keep her title? Really? I mean come on… you’re making Mickie James look weak

We don’t even get to see Alexa celebrate as the camera show Miz leaving. (He couldn’t leave earlier because of Angle)  So a garbage truck is in front of the Miz’s car… interesting. Like the Miz has been terrified all night and a truck in front of the car doesn’t scare the Miz? I mean not until it starts backing up.  Why did the doors lock and then somehow become unlocked when Strowman shows up. Oh my gawd… Strowman running off the limo was the funniest thing I have seen tonight. Michael Cole talking about get the hell out of here and keeps his head phones on while Graves totally just ditches the headset. Corey Graves is totally me. I wouldn’t have cared about no damn headset. Poor Curtis Axel.. Strowman has done so many running slams on him…

 

 

So guys.. If you’re a fan of the WWE… and watched tonight’s RAW… tell me what you thought in the comments.

 

 

BBQ Cheeseburger Casserole.

As you have probably figured by now, I am a sucker for a casserole. Especially with two kids, house work, errands and school work. Casseroles as well as dump and bakes are a blessing. This was actually really good….and simple. My picky eater ate all of it… then again she did want some of her trunk or treat candy….We have rules… haha.

What you’ll need:

1Lb ground beef

Onion (optional)

About 1/2 cup BBQ

About 1/4 cup Mustard ( I used honey mustard because I love it)

1 package crescent rolls.

1 to 2 cups cheese.

*I say about because I don’t usually use measurements. I eyeball all the measurements, taste it…if it needs more add it.

Preheat oven to 350 Degrees F

Cook the ground beef and onion til no longer pink. Season it however you like.

While the beef is cooking, open the crescent rolls and place in a baking dish. spread it out to fit. Then bake until just barely golden and no longer gooey.

Once the beef is done, drain it. Add the BBQ and Mustard.

Then place on top of the crescent roll.

Add cheese!

Bake for about 20 to 30 minutes. Then ENJOY!

#Lyrics #TalkingToMyself

Because music speaks the words that we are all too afraid to mutter. I decided that I would start looking at songs and why I relate to them. The first one…. Talking to myself by Linkin Park. I sure do miss Chester.

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Tell me what I’ve gotta do
There’s no getting through to you

I have someone in my family who has constantly gone thru this depressive state (Although some say he’s just striving for attention) where he cuts himself, gets overly drunk or does something….No matter what I do, what I say. I cannot get thru to him to stop. He has spent many nights in the hospital and even been committed.
The lights are on but nobody’s home (nobody’s home)

This line really gets to me. Like I try my hardest to convince him that there is a reason to live. His family. He has kids. He can change his life. But I feel like the minute I start talking he shuts down and stops listening.
You say I can’t understand
But you’re not giving me a chance

This part gets me because he acts like since I am okay on the outside that I haven’t dealt with my own demons. I do. I deal with them on a daily basis. I talked to a therapist at a Halloween party about certain things and he thinks that because of certain things that happened when I was younger that stemmed from this family member is why I have my demons… Could possibly be true. Like when I finally start to talk about what happened, being called a liar… Thanks. Honestly, thanks.
When you leave me, where do you go? (Where do you go?)

Again, I try to talk and he shuts me down.

All the walls that you keep building
All this time that I spent chasing
All the ways that I keep losing you

Am I ever going to get thru to him?

The truth is, you turn into someone else

When he gets in these moods where he doesn’t care, it’s like I am dealing with someone else. I know he is capable of love. I know he is capable of compassion, but sometimes when he’s like this it seems like he is someone else.
You keep running like the sky is falling
I can whisper, I can yell
But I know, yeah I know, yeah I know
I’m just talking to myself
Talking to myself
Talking to myself
But I know, yeah I know, yeah I know
I’m just talking to myself

It does seem like I am talking to myself. Honestly. Nothing I have ever said has gotten thru to him. He has watched many anxiety/panic attacks while he cuts himself or takes off or when he’s just being him. But does he stop. Does he care? Will he listen to me finally? I doubt it. I feel like I am talking to myself.

I admit I made mistakes

Nobody’s perfect
But yours might cost you everything

In his case, his life
Can’t you hear me calling you home?

All the walls that you keep building
All this time that I spent chasing
All the ways that I keep losing you

The truth is, you turn into someone else
You keep running like the sky is falling
I can whisper, I can yell
But I know, yeah I know, yeah I know
I’m just talking to myself
Talking to myself
Talking to myself
But I know, yeah I know, yeah I know
I’m just talking to myself

All the walls that you keep building
All this time that I spent chasing
All the ways that I keep losing you

The truth is, you turn into someone else
You keep running like the sky is falling
I can whisper, I can yell
But I know, yeah I know, yeah I know
I’m just talking to myself
Talking to myself
Talking to myself
But I know, yeah I know, yeah I know
I’m talking to myself

#anxiety … Its time for something personal

Well as a part of my thank you to my followers. Yeah I know. I haven’t hit a big number of followers but the ones I do have are important and no one can ever change that. So, I was requested to post a personal diary story.

quotes-Sometimes-suffering-

As a mom with anxiety disorder, things get hard. And no, I don’t mean in any way that would physically harm anyone. My brother was/is a cutter…I won’t go down that road… I do have a high pain tolerance (all natural births both times) however I’m not the type of person who want to test my tolerance.

When I say hard I mean I go thru times where I don’t feel good enough. I stay at home.

The mornings start with my husband leaving for work. Is he going to be late? Did I not hear the alarm to make sure hes up? I sleep too much. I’m not doing my part. I’m not good enough.

After he leaves I start getting things ready for the day. Pull out meat so i can cook dinner and pack kids lunches. Did I remember the spoon? Did I take the crust off the sandwhich? Will this fill them up? Is this what they wanted to eat today? I’m not good enough.

Now comes the part of waking my daughter up so we can get ready for school to pick up my nephews. Am I helping enough? Did I yell at her? Was I too mean? Is my youngest feeling left out? I’m not good enough.

In the car I hear the kids talking…on days like these I’m usually lost in my head. Did I run the light? Did I stop long enough at the stop sign? Then one of the kids asks if I will come eat lunch with them….sometimes its hard to gather the energy to be in a loud room full of kids. Am I there for the kids enough? I’m not good enough.

Getting back home with my toddler usually consists of more picking up. Do I clean enough? Fixing myself and the baby some breakfast. Is she getting the proper nutrtion? Then it’s getting her ready for nap time. I’m not good enough.

While she naps I try to get some school work done. Maybe edit some photos. Wishing that I had the courage to go out and take photos without constantly needing someone with me. I’m not good enough.

Nap times over. Time to clean the baby up. Diapers and clothes changed etc. Then its time to make the baby some lunch. Does she know how much I love her and her sister? I’m not good enough

Time to get the kids from school. This consists of sitting in the car line for an hour to and hour and a half. Once the kids get in the car, do I make enough small talk? Am I asking the right questions about their day? I’m not good enough.

Time to help my daughter with her homework, clean again, give baths and cook dinner. Am I providing enough boundries? Am I giving them enough independence? I’m not good enough.

Luckily, this isn’t an every day occurrence. It does happen. I feel like no matter what I do I’m not good enough. I’m not a good enough mom because I sometimes yell/fuss at my kids. I’m not a good enough wife because I’m usually exhausted by the time he comes home and not loving enough. I’m not a good enough aunt because I keep putting off eating lunch.

Some days. Im just not good enough. And I know people will tell me things like get over it. Hey! you cannot tell me how to feel. Ever! Feelings are something personal. You’re not going to feel the exact same way as I do so you can’t tell me how to feel.

So here’s my persinal entry on how sometimes I don’t feel good enough.

Cheesy spinach chicken pasta

We do not eat enough greens. At all. My nephew refuses to eat anything green. I try to include things that are healthy in our foods. Especially since we do eat out once a week. And we only do that because I mean hey I do need a break.

What you will need:

Chicken breast. I used 2 decent size

Penne pasta

1/2 cup to a cup sour cream

Cream cheese

Spinach

Ranch mix

Seasoning…your choice

Cheese….your choice

Preheat oven to 350 degree F

Cut the chicken up into bits. I usually do this before cooking because its easier…maybe a little more slimey….but its easier than cooking, waiting for it to cool and then cutting. This way I can just transfer it to whatever I’m cooking.

While the chicken is cooking. Boil the pasta. According to directions. Except you want to pull it off the stove just a little bit before its done. Dont worry it will finish in the oven.

Now, its time to mix some things together. I know it’s a lot of multitasking. But it doesn’t take much time. So here we will need to mix the cream cheese, sour cream. Ranch mix and spinach. It looks kind of gross but hey. It turns out good in the end.

When the pasta is done. Drain it. Add the cooked chicken and the pasta to the spinach mix. Stir to combine then transfer to oven. Cover with cheese and bake about 25 to 30 minutes.

#Thank you

I now have 16 followers. Thats pretty awesome. Thank you guys soo much.

When I started this blog…I never believed anyone would have paid attention…that I’d be all alone.

So…as a way to say thank you…

What would you guys like for me to write.

This could be anything like:

Anxiety

Depression

Music reviews

Tv reviews

Movie reviews

Recipes. (You choose a dish or ingredient)

….

Or anything at all. Its up to you.

Post a sugesstion in the comments and lets get this thing rolling.

P.s. for dinner tonight I’m making chicken cheesy pasta.

Again thank you guys…I feel so loved