Love about yourself

When you have anxiety, you sometimes forget about the things that you love about yourself. Instead, your anxiety is like this little devil that resides inside your head that tells you all of the things that is wrong with you. So sometimes you need to remind yourself about things you love about yourself. So in a self care journal…. remember to write at least one entry about what you love about yourself.

So here is mine…..

1.) I love how dedicated I can be to my family and friends. I have always been this kind of over the top motherly person. I will go to the ends of the earth for those I care about. It is an amazing quality to have. However, that little devil inside my head is constantly questioning how it appears to others. Am I too overbearing? Am I coming off too strong? Am I coming off too bad? However, I need to constantly remind myself that being a dedicated, loving person is a great quality.

2.) Perfectionism. I have a tendency to get stuck on a project until I get it right. Til I get it perfect. I have an OCD type of mannerism with almost everything I do. I will sit there and work at it til I get it done right. Again, the little devil in my head says that I just can’t ever get anything right. That all I am ever going to do is mess things up and waste money, etc. So sometimes, I just need to remind myself that paying attention to the little details and working to make things perfect is a good quality. It means that I take pride in my work.

3. ) Food. I love that I can cook. I grew up living on tv dinners, ramen and potatoes. We rarely had a home cooked meal. So the fact that I can read a recipe and later recreate it without going back to the recipe is a great thing for myself and my family. I love that my kids don’t have to rely on junk food. That I can cook food that is not only great tasting but that I can sneak veggies into it without my kids knowing or tasting. I love that I can win people over just by sending them food. I didn’t really know the people in my husband’s training class. However, most of them adore me from my cooking. The only thing the little devil tells me is that maybe something is seasoned properly or maybe someone won’t like this or that. But that is few and far between because I know my food is good because my husband eats multiple helpings of it every night.

4.) Planning. Mostly meal planning. I can sit down every month and plan out an entire month of dinners. I can plan it out and then make a grocery list and then go shopping and end up with a month worth of dinners with under $400 spent for the month. I love that I can sit down and write it up. I love that I can plan a menu and I love that I have all the bills planned out and know how much is coming out of the check every week. I love that I can plan out pretty much everything. I have a calendar on the wall right off the garage where I have all the dinners listed so everyone know’s what we’re going to eat every night. I have listed the days that my daughter is going to be taking lunch for the month. I literately plan out every little detail. There is not anything the little devil says in regards to planning. It is once I start planning and seeing how much is being paid out or what needs to be paid is when the anxiety starts to set in.

5.) Being early. I have this thing where being on time or late gives me this awful anxiety. I freak out if I am late or if I am close to being late. This is anywhere. I don’t like my kids being late for school, or events or even just if we have something planned with family. I just cannot be late. Ever. It is hard to do when my husband is incredibly slow. He is late to almost everything. He takes forever to get motivated or moving. And it drives me insane. The little devil tells me that people think I am weird or awful for always showing up early. I will literately show up early anywhere and just sit in the car til it is almost time to go in. Like at school for my oldest, I get there at 1 even tho she doesn’t get out til 2:30. I sit there for an hour and a half because I like to be first. I don’t want my kid to sit and wait for me or feel like I am not coming. I actually get a lot done in the hour an a half like school work, meal planning, budget planning, etc.

So there is my list of five things that I love about myself. I would love to hear yours.

Cruel world

It seems like everytime we turn on the news, there is something awful happening somewhere in the world. Things have grown so bad, you don’t want your kids playing outside by themselves. You question everyone you meet. Etc. When I was a little kid, I used to play outside without adult supervision with my friends all the time. I rode my bike down the road to the gas station without a single thought. Now, I cannot even let my 7 year old step outside without me being right by her side. The world has become cruel.

Many parents are trying to toughen up their kids to face this dark cruel world. Trying to toughen up their kids for situations that could happen. How to handle the things that are going on. Playing the defense against the worlds in their teachings. However, it is not our job to toughen up our kids to face the cruel world. It is our job to raise kids who will make the world a little less cruel. We should play offense and teach our kids how to be innovative. How to be the reason the world gets better.

We can show our kids how to make the world less cruel by bringing back manners. There are so many kids these days that I see in stores who will run you down with the shopping cart without a single care in the world. Not even a single ‘excuse me’. Bring back the caring. Teaching them the importance of a helping hand. Teach them the concept of ‘karma’. I understand that people don’t like karma because its not in their ‘religion’ or they call it something else. I call it Karma. Those who need to put it into their christianity box would be ‘do unto others as you would have them do unto you’. Teach them that putting good out into the world brings good back to them. But don’t teach them to do for other in expectations for others to do good for them. That is where we get that entitled feeling. Instead teach them the importance of kindness.

It is our jobs to help our kids grow. We can either toughen them up where they only think about themselves, or we can raise them to change the world one kind act at a time.

Labels are not for people

 

One thing that I cannot stand is when people label other people just because they do not fit into some type of mold that the original person believes in.

I love everyone equally. I do not label people and the only way that I dislike someone is based upon their attitude or how they treat others. My brothers wife goes on and on and on to anyone who will listen about how we hate her….. I don’t hate anyone. But there is also no rule book stating that I have to love or like who ever my sibling marries. That isn’t how things goes. I can dislike anyone I want. I don’t have to like everyone.

But I don’t label her. Although I do know a lot of people do…..

I don’t have a label therefore I wouldn’t want to put labels on anyone else. I am straight…. But I can admire the beauty of other woman. That doesn’t make me bi or lesbian. And it drives me insane when people think that it does. Just because I think a certain woman is beautiful or has a nice ass does not mean that I am completely attracted to said woman, or that I want to have sex with that woman. I don’t think that being able to acknowledge beauty when beauty is seen should allow others to label me.

Now that is not saying that labels have no purpose.

They are great for labeling salt and sugar. Mixing those two up would give you a great surprise when you drink your coffee. They are great for labeling powder sugar and flour. They are great for labeling cookies in jars with instructions. Labels are amazing. when they are used for that purpose.

That purpose alone.

What labels are not needed for or intended for is people.

Don’t be that person.

Don’t label everyone based upon first glance. Don’t label anyone period. you never know what they’re going thru. You never know how much your label could affect them. With all the attention being on mental illness and suicides lately, you never know if your harsh inconsiderate labels are that one thing that broke the camels back. That pushed them over the edge.

Instead of labeling them. Go hang out with them just for a little bit. Let them know that they are your friends and that it is ok that they like dragon ball z at 30 years old. Or that they like rock music but only the kind used in musicals. Or that its perfectly fine that they have a feet fetish. Take the little things that they get labeled for and bullied about and turn it into a positive. You never know how much it will mean to them.

You don’t even have to do that. Just reach out to them Don’t ask if its okay to talk. DO IT! What a lot of people don’t understand is that having a mental illness can and will keep you from reaching out for help. It will make you put that fake smile on and live up to a label. It will change you. And sometimes, being that pushy friend who just shows up… breaks the label. Listens. Is a shoulder to cry on. Just being there…..Is what we really need.

Things you love

 

When you suffer from anxiety, you tend to only think about the bad. Things that could happen. You’re constantly worrying and afraid. It is quite awful. However, in an attempt to keep up my journal posts to encourage each other on our individual journeys with mental illness and my own personal attempt at breaking the stigma.

So this journal entry is 10 things I love… today I am choosing my mom.

1.) She is the strongest woman I know

My dad was an abusive alcoholic. Now my mom says that the relationship wasn’t always that way but the more he drank the more abusive he was. It got worse when he stopped being able to find a job. She just took the abuse, grinned and beared it and kept on. But then he started being mean to my brothers. That is when she started standing up against him, which made the abuse to her worse. The final straw, I was born. Being a girl, she was worried his abuse towards me would be far worse than the boys.  So when I was about 1 or 2….she left. She got custody of us and she left his abuse. You do not know how strong a person is to leave a controlling abusive relationship. She willingly left with all 3 kids to be a single mom. It was never easy. My brothers are a handful.

2.) Her love for my kids

I know all grandparents love their grandkids but my mom seriously loves my kids. She spoils them to death. More than her other grandkids. She will come over at 6 am on Christmas morning when its 12 degrees outside to watch the girls open their gifts. She goes to every single function for my oldest daughter. She would spend the last dollar of her disability on the girls. She allows my oldest to stay the weekend almost every weekend. And I allow it. Why? Because there are only so many years where a child wants to be around their grandparents.

3.) I never disappoint her.

Now that is not saying that I haven’t done things that could have disappointed her or should have disappointed her. I have. I mean I am only human. But she is always understanding. When I got pregnant at 19. I was terrified to tell my mom. But she wasn’t mad. She actually said…it happens. We’ll handle it together.  She is also very understanding about my anxiety. She tries very hard to help me be less anxious.

4.) She never ignores me

I text a lot and I think the person I text the most is my mom. Honestly. I talk to her every day all day. She is my best friend. Even if I wake up at 3 am and text her. She usually texts back as soon as she wakes up. She is actually over at my house about 6 days a week. She usually heads home after I cook dinner. That way she doesn’t have to cook.

5.) She doesn’t sugar coat anything

Even when I was a kid…she never sugar coated anything. If she had a short paycheck and had to make a decision on whether she paid the water bill or bought groceries. She never made that decision alone. She always talked to us about it. She always asked us what we wanted. She never tried to make things sound better than they were. And it made me understand things a lot better.

6.) Allows me to experiment

I am a cooker. I love to cook. And I love to experiment with my recipes. As long as it is not too spicy she is willing to try it. I don’t eat steak and my mom doesn’t eat steak. However, my husband does and occasionally I’ll make him steak as a specialty and she will try it to make sure it is seasoned just right or tender enough. She’s amazing.

7.) Her bread and desserts

My mom never really cooked when I was a kid. I mean how could she. She worked all the time. She was a single mom. And what she did cook, she usually burned. I’m not being mean it is the honest truth. However, her deserts and bread was the best thing in the entire world. My friend specifically asks for her peanut butter cup pie and pumpkin bread all the time.

8.) She gave her everything for her kids

Not only did she fight tooth and nail to make sure she got herself and us out of that house. She continued to give everything for us. She didn’t bring men around us. She didn’t drink in front of us. She never did drugs. She always worked. When we couldn’t have Christmas, we would have Tax Time. which after catching bills up, whatever was left of the tax money would be spent on us anything we needed and wanted. She still gives even though she’s on disability.

9.) She never gave up

I know in this post I am talking bad about my dad. But I didn’t really know him. I know he passed away recently and I am very sad about that. I did wish I could have had a relationship with him. But life doesn’t always work out how we wanted. Although they were separated for most of my life, they were still married. My dad was court ordered to pay child support. Which he hardly ever did. So everything we needed to survive. My mom had to provide all on her own. My oldest brother was a trouble maker. A real trouble maker. So, there were many times where she could have just given up. But she never given up. She always kept trucking and pushing forward.

10.) She is always there. 

I know I already said that she would come at 6 AM for the girls. But honestly she would do that for me too. If I called her right now and told her that I needed her here right now….she would get her shoes on and come. She’s my mom. But she’s also my best friend.

Falling in love

 

In a world full of Netflix and chill, side people, just talking and all of the other excuses to not commit, falling in love is hard. But falling in love with anxiety is even harder.

I have posted before about dating with anxiety. It is a challenge. You are constantly second guessing yourself. Second guessing them. Never completely understanding how they could possibly love you and so much more.

Luckily, I have been lucky enough to fall in love with an amazingly understanding man who I married almost 3 years ago. We have been together going on 9 years. And it wasn’t always easy. It is actually a constant battle.

I’m not going to lie to you. I have anxiety. I have severe anxiety. So it can make any relationship a challenge. Like any relationship we have our good days and our bad. And usually I am the cause of many of our arguments. But it is not something that I want. It is mostly because I am having a bad anxiety day.

Like today.

It’s just a bad day.

Doesn’t mean me and my husband are arguing. We’re not. We are at such a great place. But being in love with anxiety you always wait for the other shoe to drop. So… It is a constant battle that I deal with to ensure that I am not overthinking things. Assuming things. Or blowing things out of proportion.

 

Be remembered

 

Death is always a hard thing to talk about. For me….I have always taken death very hard. I’m a big crybaby I can’t help it. I’m just and overly emotional person.

So when anyone passes away, you sit around and remember them. Things they did or said or maybe how they were in general. But what would you want to be remembered for?

Death scares the living crap out of me. I cry just thinking ‘what if something happened to me? What would happen to my kids? What would I be remembered for? What if they remember me as someone different than I had hoped?

Honestly, I hope they would remember how much I loved them. How I always tried so hard to help anyone. How much I loved my ids and what Kind of mother I am. If I am not remembered for anything else… I just want to be remembered for how I am with my girls because they are my life. This journal topic is very deep and emotional…

 

What would you want to be remembered for?

Always

 

When you have a mental illness, you kind of have this unbelievably low self esteem. It really sucks how you see yourself. I’m not as bad on myself as some people I know.

One thing that I am thankful for is my husband. No matter how hard I am on myself, his love never changes. He is the type of person who will say “I will love you no matter how much you hate yourself”  If I remember correctly, and my memory is pretty great hence the constant worrying over what I’ve said or done, he once said that he will not stop fighting until he changes the way I see myself. Sweet right? you would think I would go gaga over that but the pessimist in me says ‘fat chance’ But he hasn’t stopped yet.

And I think him and our kids really keep me grounded when it comes to the anxiety issue. I am pretty sure that it could be a lot worse.

It doesn’t have to be a significant other. I have been very verbal about how I believe it is important to have a person that listens, helps and never judges. That said person can be anyone from your mother, you significant other, or a friend. I’m sure if you took a step back you would find someone that will always love you, no matter how hard you are on yourself.

#Lyrics Everlong-Foo Fighters

 

Hello, I’ve waited here for you
Everlong
Tonight, I throw myself into
And out of the red
Out of her head, she sang
Come down, and waste away with me
Down with me
Slow how you wanted it to be
And over my head, out of her head she sang

And I wonder when I sing along with you

If everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again
The only thing I’ll ever ask of you
You’ve got to promise not to stop when I say when
She sang

Breathe out, so I can breathe you in
Hold you in
And now I know you’ve always been
And out of your head, out of my head I sang

And I wonder when I sing along with you

If everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again
The only thing I’ll ever ask of you
You’ve got to promise not to stop when I say when
She sang

And I wonder…

If everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again
The only thing I’ll ever ask of you
You’ve got to promise not to stop when I say when
She sang

I know I post a lot of songs that relate to mental health. But honestly, there are just some songs that I adore. I think that music shows who you are. I always thought that you could tell how someone is feeling by listening to the lyrics of their favorite song. This song was on my playlist when I started going out with my husband.

It is, to me, a song of falling in love and hoping it never changes. Dave Grohl said this song is about “being connected to someone so much that not only do you love them physically and spiritually, but when you sing along with them you harmonize perfectly.”

Some Days

Fighting a mental disease can be one of the hardest things that you could ever do. It is an invisible demon who sits there and tells you how much of a failure you really are. How much better the world will be without you. Or how you can never do anything right.

It is waking up feeling like the world is weighing you down….fighting all day long and then getting ready for bed feeling overwhelmingly exhausted. like you’re not worth anything. Like you did accomplished nothing that day. It is the worst possible feeling you could ever imagine. Some days… I sit in a shower with water as hot as I can stand it and just weep. silently. because if I draw attention to myself its another battle….My family is very supportive and understanding. But that doesn’t mean that I need them to know every single time that my head is winning.

So…Some days.. I just need to be loved a little louder… That is one thing that I need my support team to understand. I don’t need them to fight my battles. I don’t need them to even completely understand what I am going thru. I just need them to love me….and the days where my head is screaming at me… I need them to love me just a little louder. Kind of like reassuring someone. Just let me know you’re there. That I am not alone. That I have support. It can honestly go a long way.